she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
