You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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