I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this boner is exhausting
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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