she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
