Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
