Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize