My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
