I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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