i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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