my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
