I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
