so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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