nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
