i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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