im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
