Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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