she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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