The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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