she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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