I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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