I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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