respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
