apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
