I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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