Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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