I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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