Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize