he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
