fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
