i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize