Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
