Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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