she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
