I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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