if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
