Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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