i wish my penis had a tongue
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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