I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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