Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
