I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize