break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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