Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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