totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
