chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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