Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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