just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
