i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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