guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
