Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
