I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
