I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize