No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize