i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize