Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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