just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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