If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
