There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize