So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
