Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
